165 Best Divorce Puns and Jokes Are You Ready to Split Your Sides Laughing

Divorce jokes can make tough times feel lighter. People love laughing at funny divorce jokes. This list has the best divorce puns and divorce jokes. You must read these jokes about divorce to split your sides laughing. Each divorce joke is simple and full of humor. Life is hard, but funny divorce jokes help us smile.

We all need some laughs. These divorce jokes and divorce puns are perfect. Share these jokes about divorce with friends. Every divorce joke will make someone grin. It’s a must to enjoy funny divorce jokes in life. These best divorce jokes bring humor to heavy days. Divorce puns keep the mood light. Let’s enjoy the best divorce jokes together. Get ready for laughter and fun.

Best Divorce Puns and Jokes Are You Ready to Split Your Sides Laughing

• I tried to write a book about divorce, but the ending was always messy.
• My wife said I was immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
• Did you hear about the divorce at the bakery? It was a real dough-breaker.
• I’m starting a support group for divorced clowns. We’re all going through a pretty rough split.
• Why did the couple’s therapist quit? They just couldn’t get over their differences, or each other.
• My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better.
• Divorce is like a broken pencil; pointless.
• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. So did her left eyebrow. I guess that’s why we’re divorced.
• My lawyer told me to stop using the word “we” in court. Apparently, “we did not see that one coming” is not an acceptable defense.
• Marriage is a workshop. Divorce is the scrap yard.
• I went to a divorce party, but it was so awkward, I felt like a third wheel.
• What did the judge say to the couple fighting over the furniture? “I’ve seen more stable relationships in a Jenga game.”
• I thought I was good at marriage, but it turned out I was just great at the opening ceremony and terrible at the closing one.
• The restaurant we went to on our first date is now our settlement location. It’s come full circle. And it’s still expensive.
• My ex claimed I was obsessed with maps. She was right; she was always the ex on that map.
• These divorce jokes are my therapy, even if my therapist says it’s not working.
• Funny divorce jokes keep me sane, or at least laughing through the paperwork.
• Must admit, jokes about divorce are my new guilty pleasure, cheaper than another divorce lawyer.

Divorce Puns: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, But Funny

• Our divorce was so amicable, we’re practically best exes.
• I’m not saying my divorce was messy, but the judge asked for a hazmat suit.
• We tried to make our marriage work, but it was like trying to fit a square peg into a heart-shaped hole; a real shape up gone wrong.
• My lawyer told me to start using “we” less, so I guess it’s time for a real “I” statement.
• I’m thinking of writing a book about my divorce, it’ll be a real page-turner, but mostly for the lawyers.
• Our marriage was like a faulty appliance, it just kept breaking down, a real circuit of pain.
• The divorce was tough, but at least now I get to keep all the good leftovers.
• I heard our divorce settlement was so fair, we both got half of the cat, and now I get to see her once a week.
• My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better, mostly with the custody agreement.
• Our marriage was like a bad internet connection, it just kept dropping out at the most inconvenient times.
• The divorce was a real rollercoaster, but at least I got off before it crashed.
• I tried to make a joke about my divorce, but it was too soon, and I’m still a bit bitter.
• My therapist said I need to embrace my new single life. So I bought a single bed, and a single serving of ice cream.
• Our marriage was like a poorly written screenplay; full of plot holes, bad dialogue, and a truly terrible ending.
• We were so incompatible, it was a real ‘mismatch’ made in,  well, not heaven.
• Divorce puns help me cope when funny divorce jokes just aren’t enough.
• Must say, jokes about divorce keep my spirits up more than my lawyer’s bill does.
• A good divorce joke might save you thousands in therapy, or at least buy you a smile.

Read More: 160 Best Rainbow Puns and Jokes for Kids Guaranteed to Brighten Your Day

Divorce Jokes: Finding Humor in the Heartbreak

• Our divorce was a real split decision, mostly on who got the dog.
• I’m starting a band called “The Exes.” We haven’t had a single rehearsal yet.
• My therapist told me to embrace my new single life, so I bought a single-serving ice cream maker.
• The divorce was messy, but at least I got to keep all the good leftovers,  and also the remote.
• I tried to write a song about my divorce, but it was too off-key.
• We were so incompatible, it was a real ‘mismatch’ made in,  well, not heaven.
• I knew my marriage was over when she started referring to me as “the ex-pense.”
• Our marriage was like a poorly written screenplay; full of plot holes and a terrible ending.
• We tried to make our marriage work, but it was like trying to fit a square peg into a heart-shaped hole, a real shape up gone wrong.
• I’m thinking of writing a book about my divorce, it’ll be a real page-turner, mostly for the lawyers, and also the gossip columnists.
• I went to a divorce party, but it was so awkward, I felt like a third wheel, and also a little bit like a divorcee.
• Our relationship was like a bad internet connection, it just kept dropping out at the most inconvenient times, a real ‘connection’ issue.
• The divorce was tough, but at least now I get to keep all the good leftovers, and also the remote, and also the good side of the bed.
• My ex claimed I was obsessed with maps. She was right; she was always the ex on that map, and I was always trying to find my way back to a better choice.
• Our divorce settlement was so fair, we both got half the cat, and now I get to see her once a week, and also pay for half the cat food.
• Funny divorce jokes remind me laughter is cheaper than therapy, and slightly less bitter than my ex.
• These divorce jokes keep me going, even when the paperwork feels endless.
• A divorce joke a day keeps the tears away, or at least delays them.

Divorce Puns and Relationships: A Comedic Separation

• Our divorce was so amicable, we’re practically best exes, with a shared Netflix account.
• I tried to write a song about my divorce, but it was a real break-up of my creative flow.
• I’m not saying my divorce was messy, but the judge asked for a mop and a therapist.
• I knew our marriage was over when I started referring to our bedroom as the ‘spare’ room.
• Our divorce settlement was so fair, we each got half of the bed,  the other half is still in the garage.
• I’m thinking of starting a support group for divorced librarians. We’re all dealing with a lot of un-shelved emotions.
• We tried to make our marriage work, but it was like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions, a real flat-pack of disaster.
• My therapist suggested I embrace my new single life, so I bought a single-serving ice cream maker, and also a single bed.
• I went to a divorce party, but it was so awkward, I felt like a third wheel,  on a unicycle made of sadness.
• Our divorce was like a poorly written screenplay; full of plot holes and a truly terrible ending, and a lot of scenes that were cut for time.
• The divorce was tough, but at least I got to keep all the good leftovers, and also the remote, and the good side of the bed, and the dog, and the, 
• Our divorce was so amicable we’re practically best exes, who only communicate through lawyers, and also occasional passive-aggressive social media posts.
• I tried to write a book about my divorce, but it was too soon. Maybe I’ll get around to it in the next chapter of my life.
• I’m not saying my divorce was messy, but my lawyer started charging by the hour, and also by the box of tissues.
• Our marriage was like a faulty appliance; it just kept breaking down, a real short circuit of problems.
• Funny divorce jokes are my favorite kind of heartbreak recovery.
• Must admit, jokes about divorce make me laugh way harder than reality ever did.
• A divorce pun a day keeps the bitterness away, or at least makes it rhyme.

Legal Laughs: Divorce Jokes About Lawyers

• My lawyer said my ex was trying to get everything, so I told him, “Well, that’s just not a very ‘suitable request.”
• I asked my lawyer if I was going to win my divorce case, he said, “Legally, I can’t answer that, but judging by your ex’s lawyer, you’ve got a good chance.”
• My lawyer said my case was complicated; I told him, “Well, that’s just ‘law’-ful.”
• Hiring a divorce lawyer is a lot like going to the dentist, you know it’s necessary, but you still dread the bill.
• My lawyer said I needed to be more assertive, so I told him, “I’m ‘objection’-ably good at this now.”
• My attorney said, “We need to dig deeper into your finances.” I told him, “I think we’ve found the ‘root’ of my problems.”
• My lawyer said my ex was being unreasonable. I replied, “Well, that’s just ‘case’ in point.”
• I asked my lawyer if he thought I had a chance at a settlement; he said, “Let’s just say, we’ll need to ‘file’ a lot of paperwork.”
• My divorce lawyer kept saying “We have to stay focused” during our meetings. I told him, “I’m trying but my life feels like it’s being ‘litigated’ by chaos.”
• My lawyer said my ex was being ‘appeal’-ing, but not in a good way.
• My lawyer told me to be patient, I told him, “I’m trying, but this is such a ‘test’ of my will.”
• My lawyer said my ex was trying to get my prized stamp collection, I said, “Oh, that’s ‘un-stamp-ed’ for.”
• My lawyer said my case was a ‘real estate’ of problems.
• The divorce lawyer told me my ex wanted the dog. I said, “Well, that’s a real ‘bone’ of contention.”
• I told my lawyer I was feeling overwhelmed; he said, “Well, let’s break it down into bite-sized pieces, and then charge you for each one.”
• Funny divorce jokes about lawyers are sometimes cheaper than paying one.
• Must say, divorce puns about lawyers make my bills feel slightly less painful.
• A good divorce joke beats reading another legal brief any day.

Divorce Puns: Keeping It Light During a Tough Time

• My divorce lawyer said, “Let’s split it 50/50,” and I said, “Great, you get the stress.”
• I told my ex, “I’m not bitter, just recalibrating my sarcasm settings.”
• Our divorce was so polite, we apologized for apologizing too much.
• My marriage was like Wi-Fi, strong signal at first, then endless buffering.
• I’m not sure who’s happier about the divorce, me, or my plants finally getting watered.
• My divorce lawyer said, “Let’s keep emotions out of it,” and I said, “Good luck with that.”
• My ex said I was high maintenance, so I downgraded to single status.
• I tried to paint a picture of my marriage, but it kept peeling off the canvas.
• My divorce settlement was fair: I kept my sanity, they kept the matching towels.
• Dating after divorce feels like trying to find a password that actually works.
• Our marriage was like a group chat, too many messages, not enough listening.
• My ex said, “Let’s stay in touch,” and I said, “Only via smoke signals.”
• My divorce was so quick, my friends thought it was just an extended coffee break.
• I’m not saying my divorce was costly, but my lawyer now drives a spaceship.
• I tried to make a divorce pun, but it’s still emotionally under construction.
• My ex told me I was too intense, so I’ve lightened up and gone LED.
• The only thing we split evenly was our shared playlist, and even that felt like heartbreak.
• My ex said I was too dramatic, so I bowed and left the stage.

Divorce Jokes and Dating: Finding Love Again

• Dating after divorce is like buying mystery boxes, sometimes a treasure, sometimes a weird hat.
• My dating profile says “newly single” but my baggage still has my ex’s initials.
• I told my date, “I’m not on the rebound, just bouncing creatively.”
• Swiping right after divorce feels like opening a fridge and still finding nothing good.
• My ex said I’d never date again. Joke’s on them, I’m dating pizza.
• Dating apps post-divorce should come with a survival guide and a helmet.
• My therapist said, “Date yourself first.” I said, “Fine, but I’m still splitting the bill.”
• Dating after divorce is like trying karaoke, you might crush it, or clear the room.
• My ex said I was bad at commitment. So far, my new dates agree.
• Online dating after divorce is mostly conversations with people who also hate online dating.
• I matched with my ex on a dating app. We both immediately unmatched.
• My first date after divorce felt like a job interview, but with worse coffee.
• Dating post-divorce is like re-learning to drive, lots of caution signs and unexpected bumps.
• My date asked my favorite hobby. I said, “Filing paperwork. Just kidding,  kind of.”
• I went on a date and realized my new type is “emotionally available and sane.”
• Dating after divorce is like shopping clearance, some great finds, but also damaged goods.
• My date asked, “What are you looking for?” I said, “Someone who won’t end up in my stand-up routine.”
• I’m not afraid of dating again, I’m just afraid of another joint Netflix account.

Divorce Puns: A Fresh Start With Humor

• My lawyer said, “It’s time to move on,” so I bought new furniture,  and a new life.
• I told my ex, “I’m not bitter, I’m just a little tangy.”
• Our divorce was so smooth, we high-fived in court.
• My marriage was like a sitcom, great pilot, terrible finale.
• I’m not sure who’s thriving post-divorce, me, or my houseplants finally getting peace.
• My divorce lawyer said, “Let’s be strategic,” and I said, “That’s why I’m leaving my ex.”
• My ex called me dramatic, so I took a bow and exited stage left.
• I tried to paint my post-divorce life, but it’s still drying.
• My divorce settlement left me single, but fabulously decluttered.
• Dating after divorce is like upgrading your phone, same apps, better battery life.
• Our marriage was like a series of updates, each one made it slower.
• My ex said, “Let’s remain civil,” and I said, “Great, see you at city hall.”
• My divorce was so fast, it came with express shipping.
• I’m not saying my divorce cost a fortune, but my lawyer has a personal sushi chef now.
• I tried to write a pun about my divorce, but it’s still splitting hairs.
• My ex said I was too intense, so I dialed it back to “casual but fabulous.”
• The only thing we split evenly was the stress.
• My ex said I was too punny, so I guess that’s why we’re split.

Divorce Jokes: When Marriage Becomes a Punchline

• My divorce lawyer said, “Let’s split the difference,” and I asked, “Before or after the lawyers take their cut?”
• I told my ex, “I’ll always cherish the memories,” just not enough to keep the wedding album.
• Our divorce was so mutual, we fought over who should apologize first for nothing.
• My marriage was like a leaky faucet, it kept dripping until I finally shut it off.
• I’m not sure who’s happier I’m divorced, me, or my dog, who finally gets the whole bed.
• My divorce lawyer said, “Let’s keep this civil,” and I said, “That’s why I’m hiring you.”
• My ex said I never listened, so I can’t remember what went wrong. Seems fair.
• I tried to write a country song about my divorce, but it just turned into one long sigh.
• My divorce settlement was so complicated, my lawyer now recommends it as a Sudoku challenge.
• Dating after divorce is like thrift shopping, you never know what’s been left behind.
• Our marriage was like a bad GPS, it kept saying “recalculating,” but we were always lost.
• My ex said, “Let’s stay friends,” and I said, “Cool. On separate planets.”
• My divorce was so smooth, my friends thought it was practice for the real thing.
• I’m not saying my divorce was expensive, but my lawyer bought a yacht and named it “Half My Assets.”
• I tried to make a joke about my divorce, but the punchline still stings a little.
• My ex told me I was too clingy, so I’m letting go of them and the furniture.
• The only thing we truly shared in marriage was a mutual craving for single life.
• My ex said I was addicted to puns, and I said, “Guess that’s why we’re split-ting.”

FAQ’s

Have a nice Monday quote?

You can say “May your week shine bright” as one of the best “Monday quotes”. People love using short “Monday quotes” to start the week feeling good.

How do you caption a Monday?

Use “Monday quotes” like “Fresh start vibes” for simple captions. “Monday quotes” help your posts feel fun, calm, and full of hope.

What is another name for Monday?

Some call it “Moon’s Day” which sounds cool in “Monday quotes”. Adding “Moon’s Day” into your “Monday quotes” makes them unique.

What is the only anagram of Monday?

“Monday quotes” fans know the word “dynamo” is an anagram of Monday. Using “dynamo” in “Monday quotes” feels creative and super fun.

What is the old rhyme for Monday is wash day?

The old rhyme says “Monday is wash day” in many vintage “Monday quotes”. People still love sharing this in “Monday quotes” for a touch of old charm.

Conclusion

“Best Divorce Puns and Jokes Are You Ready to Split Your Sides Laughing” shows how funny life’s changes can be. Divorce jokes bring smiles when days feel heavy. Divorce jokes help people laugh and feel less alone. Many people share divorce jokes with friends. Divorce jokes can turn sad times into laughter. Some divorce jokes are silly, while others are clever. Divorce jokes show how humor heals the heart. Sharing divorce jokes can help start conversations. Divorce jokes remind us that we all go through tough times.

I hope you loved these divorce jokes. Keep laughing and sharing divorce jokes with others. Life feels lighter with divorce jokes around. Always remember, good divorce jokes can make any day better. Spread joy with divorce jokes and keep smiling. Thanks for reading these fun divorce jokes today.